dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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