He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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