Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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