ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
