so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
