He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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