You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
