So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
