The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
