So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
