Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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