I just cut my nipple shaving
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
