i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
