He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
