When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
