When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
