mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
FUCK WHALES
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