I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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