Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
