But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
