I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
