i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
