Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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