You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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