My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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