Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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