dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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