I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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