I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
