the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
