So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
