dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
