Your dad touched me again.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
