So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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