So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
