Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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