i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
