Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
