so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You are a genius and a whore.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
