your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
