I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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