Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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