My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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