i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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