I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
