Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
A bitchslap is in order.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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