She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
