I met the friendliest cop last night
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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