I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
