3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I am in a vortex of obligation.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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