i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
